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Felonious frisking


Also known as gate rape, according to reputable sources

Gazette staff January 26th, 2011

We’re glad to see what we have lovingly termed the “Hands Off My Junk, G-Man! Act of 2011” being introduced in our fine state House of Representatives.

We here at CFN are still outraged over the grabby treatment of our intern Bucky at the oh-so-eager hands of the Transportation Security Administration during security screening at an out-of-state airport this Christmas.

And while, in the end, no one at the office had to actually post any bail money, the trauma of the incident — not to mention missing his flight home and not being able to partake Aunty Bucky’s homemade vinegar pie (long story) — has left him shaken with posttraumatic stress disorder (TSA PTSD).

That’s why we’re glad to see what we have lovingly termed the “Hands Off My Junk, G-Man! Act of 2011” being introduced in our fine state House of Representatives.

House Bill 1245, authored by Rep. John Bennett, R-Sallisaw, extends the definition of felonious sexual battery to include TSA screening officers.

Sexual battery is defined as the intentional touching, mauling or feeling of the body or private parts of any person 16 years of age or older, in a lewd and lascivious manner. According to Urban Dictionary, “gate rape” is defined as “the TSA airport screening procedure.”

“If the federal employee or a contractor or an employee of a contractor of the federal government is involved in screening a passenger prior to boarding any manner of transportation, it shall not constitute a defense to prosecution under this paragraph unless reasonable suspicion exists at the time of the screening that the passenger may pose a danger to the traveling public,” states the amendment, which also specifically mentions the TSA.

It also looks like once this thing sails through to passage and implementation, there will be no need to show up naked anymore to catch a flight in Oklahoma (or in our undies in a wheelchair), which makes us kind of sad.

 
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