Thursday 20 Jun
 
 

Terror on a Train

Not to be confused with the ’80s slasher Terror Train — but, oh, how I wish it were! — 1952's Terror on a Train finds Glenn Ford (Superman: The Movie's Pa Kent) as Peter Lyncort, a bomb diffuser whose home life with his spouse (French actress Anne Vernon) is currently as explosive as his work life.
06/20/2013 | Comments 0

The Monk

For several years, I’ve intended to read Matthew G. Lewis' 1796 novel, The Monk. I even bought a snazzy trade-paperback edition with an introduction from Stephen King. Never got around to cracking it open.
06/20/2013 | Comments 0

The Last Exorcism Part II

Unlike many moviegoers, 17-year-old farm girl Nell Sweetzer (Ashley Bell, The Day) has no memory of the events of The Last Exorcism, a found-footage smash of three years prior. The Last Exorcism Part II finds her taking steps to build life anew, beginning in a boarding house for troubled girls, where the deeply devout Nell is exposed to such heretofore corrupting influences as lipstick and rock music and YouTube and cotton candy.
06/19/2013 | Comments 0

The ABCs of Death

Suspense novelist Jeffery Deaver once praised the short-story format, writing that the minimal time investment on the part of the reader allows the writer to get away with endings he or she cannot in the long form. In other words, the writer can be meaner, more devious. He's absolutely right, and the theory applies wholesale to The ABCs of Death, more or less a horror anthology depicting "26 ways to die."
06/19/2013 | Comments 0

Ninja III: The Domination

Don't ask why Ninja III: The Domination begins with a ninja assault on a municipal golf course. Just be grateful it does. You also may wonder why its sex scene employs a can of V8: Don't question it. Just lie back and enjoy it.
06/14/2013 | Comments 0
Home · Articles · Movies · Horror · Final Destination 5
Horror

Final Destination 5


‘Final Destination 5’ has plenty of blood and nearly no brains. But as long as you know that …

Rod Lott August 17th, 2011  

Last summer, the fourth “Final Destination” movie swapped a numeral for a definitive article, because producers figured the franchise had run its course. Then “The Final Destination” made $181 million worldwide, so this summer, we have another chapter, and the numbering system has been reinstated.

So has everything else. As has been the case over the course of the hit horror series, each chapter adheres to its tried-and-true template. In fact, it could be argued that the movies are written from a “Mad Libs” page, but the only variable to change is the epic disaster that kick-starts each one.

With airport, freeway, amusement park and racetrack exhausted, “Final Destination 5” has filled in the blank with “suspension bridge.”

That’s where our supposed hero (Nicholas D’Agosto, “Fired Up!”) convinces some cookie-cutter co-workers to get off the bus, because he’s just had a vision that the structure is about to go all River Kwai on them. Of course, it then does, and the unseen Grim Reaper spends the rest of the film getting them anyway, in methods seemingly invented via collaboration between Rube Goldberg and the Marquis de Sade.

These five flicks — and you can bet there will be more to come — are critic-proof: Like the “Saw” series, either you like them or you hate them, and no amount of convincing is going to sway you to the other side.

Despite all their flaws — and admittedly, there are many — I happen to like them.

On the downside, you have stock characters that fill labels more than roles — i.e. Hot Girl, Token Black, etc. — essayed by actors of limited talents. Hardly anyone is likable, but that’s OK since none of them survive by the end credits. (Relax — that’s only a spoiler if you’ve never seen any of the previous four, which means you’re never going to watch the fifth, either.)

D’Agosto is as dull as his name is apostrophized; his “meh” presence is matched by a mopey, mousy Emma Bell, who was livelier in “Frozen” and season one of “The Walking Dead.” Briefly reprising his role as the sagelike coroner from all the chapters but the fourth is Tony Todd (TV’s “24”), and he’s like Laurence Olivier compared to the expendable kids.

On the upside, you have the death sequences, even if they lack the creativity, cleverness or intricacy of its predecessors. The highlights here involve a folding gymnast, a Lasik machine gone haywire and more acupuncture needles than are comfortable.

Director Steven Quale (“Aliens of the Deep”) and screenwriter Eric Heisserer (the remake of “A Nightmare on Elm Street”) save their only true surprise of the show for the last.

“Final Destination 5” is what it is.

I enjoyed it, even if, after 48 hours, I’ve mostly forgotten it.

 
  • Currently 3.5/5 Stars.
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