While this is only a fraction of the legislation filed, here’s a vague idea of what’s cookin’ at the Capitol:
—No less than five bills would require drug testing of people receiving government assistance. Two of the measures, Senate Bill 1011 and SB 1171, require random drug testing, while three (SB 1073, House Bill 2388, HB 2508) seek testing of all individuals. The two House efforts actually require the applicant to pay for the test. You know what they say: You’ve gotta spend money to make money!
—HB 2209 creates a bounty for feral swine. Encouraging a cottage industry out of a growing nuisance, the bill allows county commissioners to award up to $10 for each lower jaw tendered, “including tusks if present.” Extra points if you take ’er for a ride first! The Legislature in 2009 legalized the use of helicopters to kill the non-native beasts. But who can afford a chopper in these economic times?
—HB 2329: Just in case you were wondering, if you’ve been convicted of arson, you cannot be a firefighter in Oklahoma.
—HB 2349 expands the scope of the Oklahoma Security Guard and Private Investigator Act to include bouncers. Certification curriculum to include a tight T-shirt test, an exposition on the merits of gold versus silver chains, and proper flashlight technique.
—Oh, we can already hear the snickering coming from the chamber. HB 2420 adds new meaning to “crimes of passion.” The bill makes if a felony to “spread … with intent to or recklessly be responsible for the spread of” the human papilloma virus, a sexually transmitted disease. The bill amends the existing list, which includes smallpox, syphilis and gonorrhea.
—HB 2483 prohibits common-law marriages after January 1, 2014.
—SB 996 directs the Oklahoma Historical Society to hold a statewide contest to pick an official state cowboy song. Last year legislators approved “Swing Low Sweet Chariot” as the state gospel song. What’s next? Surely we need an official lullaby, death march or victory tune.
—SB 1418 outlaws the manufacture and sale of “food … which contains aborted human fetuses in the ingredients or which used aborted human fetuses in the research or development of the ingredients.”
Note to its author, Sen. Ralph Shortey: Sugar Babies don’t contain babies. That chewy caramel goodness is the real deal.