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A Vampire's Tale

This story bites.

Rod Lott December 3rd, 2012

For being A Vampire's Tale, the story sure is dominated by an antiquities dealer named Jacob (Doug Bradley, the Pinhead of the Hellraiser series). With his hateful stepdaughter and newly pregnant wife, Jacob moves to the country to live on a farm.


After unpacking his prized oldest obsidian mirror, Jacob inadvertently allows a time-traveling cowboy to cross over into our world, landing right smack in his barn. The cowboy, Phelan (Jonnie Hurn, The Zombie Diaries), is actually a hundreds-year-old vampire, not to mention one who makes references to The Shining, Army of Darkness and, um, City Slickers.

In other loose, careless story threads, shadows come alive to menace two campers, one of whom loses a willy. There's a flashback to man's first anal rape in the time before Adam and Eve — you remember Adam and Lilith, right? — and the succubus Lilith (newcomer Natalia Celino) shows up in our time, too. (Note to writer/director Drew Cunningham: Thou shalt not cast actresses with obvious silicon-enhanced breasts to play biblical characters, especially if those boobs will be bared to remove any doubt.)

This 2009 film's original title was Umbrage, and I definitely take that with this dull, uninspired feature, so slow that even its end credits take nearly 10 minutes to get through. Lionsgate's DVD includes a half-hour production piece that's equally unbearable. —Rod Lott

  • Currently 3.5/5 Stars.
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