And you’ll remember how bad it was when you’re awake in the middle of the night with an intense need to visit the bathroom.
Fast-food is the worst. And we just … keep … eating it.
It’s one thing to have tastes that stray into unhealthy territories. Nobody is going to blame you for wanting a big, greasy burger or a burrito filled with spicy sauces. But at least get something that wasn’t made in a factory three states over, frozen and then reheated in a microwave before being sold to you.
Which is how we’ve arrived at this, our very own local version of Eat This, Not That.
McDonald’s Big Mac vs. Ron’s Special
So you’re in the market for a gut bomb that’s got a ton of sauce and flavor? Then you’re misremembering what a Big Mac really tastes like. Thousand Island mayo on two all-beef jerky patties? No, sir. No thank you.
What you really want is a Ron’s Special. It would take more than two of McDonald’s beef patties to measure up to Ron’s 1/3 pound real-beef burger. And then it adds on a big slice of Hormel Cure 81 ham and chunks of real bacon. Lettuce, tomato, onion and a big dollop of mayo means this burger is juicier, more flavorful and more memorable than anything you’ll find under the golden arches.
(While you’re there, get the root beer in a frosty mug. There’s a drink that’s good enough to be dessert.)
Taco Bell’s Burrito Supreme vs. Abel’s Hot Burrito
When did it happen that sour cream and diced tomatoes made something “supreme”? Does anyone remember when Justice Samuel Alito had to endure a sour cream bath and being pelted with tomatoes so he could join the Supreme Court? No?
So let’s stop pretending that Taco Bell’s concoction comes anywhere close to supreme.
How could it when there’s Abel’s, purveyor of fine Mexican foods, and the Hot Burrito. This is seasoned shredded beef, spicy beans and chili sauce all wrapped up in a tortilla. And don’t think you’re picking it up with your hands, because Abel’s ladles on cilantro sauces and tops it with melting cheddar cheese.
It’s not fair stacking The Bell up against The Abel. It’s like comparing apples and oranges ... if apples tasted terrible and made you regret having taste buds, that is.
KFC’s fried chicken vs. Cheever’s fried chicken and waffles
I’m not going to try to say that the Colonel doesn’t make some pretty good fried chicken. But that’s because it’s hard to make bad fried chicken. Popeye’s and Church’s do good fried chicken, too. But if you want to keep it local and ridiculously delicious, then forget about 11 secret herbs and spices and go to Cheever’s Cafe for Sunday brunch.
Oh, is it not Sunday? Well, too bad! Fried chicken isn’t exactly healthy anyway, so maybe it’s a good thing you can’t get this but once a week.
Instead of eating from a bucket — real classy, KFC — you get your fried chicken on a nice plate, like an adult with a job and a working understanding of personal hygiene.
Cheever’s serves up an 8-ounce breast, cooked with its own proprietary seasoning blend and fried up so it’s hot, crispy and juicy.
Oh, and the dish also gives you corn waffles and maple-walnut syrup.
KFC is what you eat because it’s there. Cheever’s is where you eat because you’re privileged enough to know how to make reservations.
Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Ready vs. Eagle One pizza
OK, $5.99 for a large pepperoni pizza seems like a good deal. And while the “Hot-N-Ready” gimmick sounds like a plus, it really means that your pizza has been sitting there for a while, slowly congealing. Is buying a pizza with no forethought really so important? Wouldn’t you rather have something that tastes good?
That’s why you should go to a real pizza place, like Eagle One, where — surprise, surprise — you can also get a one-topping large pizza for $5.99. And you can choose the topping. And it will be made fresh for you. And it tastes way better.
Oh, you want something a little fancier? The place will do $6.99 specialty pizzas with Alfredo sauce and spinach (The Spinach Alfredo), gyro meat, onions, feta and tomato (The Greek Pizza) and pepperoni, sausage, beef, Canadian bacon, Italian sausage, bacon, chicken and extra cheese (The Ultimate Meat).
Ron's Hamburgers & Chili
4723 N. May
Abel's Mexican Restaurant
5822 N.W. 50th
2409 N. Hudson
Eagle One Pizza
11613 S. Western