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Card sharks

Gazette staff February 13th, 2013

We at Chicken-Fried News believe in the power of print. (We like having jobs; go figure!) So for Valentine’s Day, we’re buying our Special Someone a real-deal card. The kind that opens on the right-hand side with a modicum of energy. The kind with flowery fonts you don’t often see outside of church bulletins and/or funeral programs. The kind you have to visit a brick-and-mortar store to buy.

Credit: Brad Gregg

In other words, no namby-pamby e-cards. Although we understand that those, too, can get you crazy laid.

True! According to a survey by SOASTA — a cloud and mobile testing firm not to be confused with Shasta, which makes an awesome grapefruit soda — more than one-third of Americans will send an e-card for V-Day … and an equal percentage expect something in return, whether that be a simple, “Hey, thanks,” (35 percent), dinner (10 percent) or sex (also 10 percent).

For reals? Can you imagine?

“I paid nothing for this, chose a design on the first page because I didn’t want to waste time clicking, and I typed in your email address that probably put you on a pharmaspam list for life. You owe me. Now let’s get to fornicatin’.”

Other survey findings: —Men between the ages of 35 and 44 like e-cards the most. (CFN guesses this is so because men are cheap, lazy, not romantic and easily amused.)

—When it comes to NSFW content in e-cards, 6 percent are all like, “Ooh, yeah!” —Some 25 percent don’t want to see unicorns in an e-card, a mere percentage point higher than another unwanted visual: the sender’s kids.

Happy Valentine’s Day, cheapskates!

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