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Swinger Q and A


Ben Fenwick April 19th, 2007

Writer Ben Fenwick's selected questions and answers from the print edition's follow-up article on OKC's swingers.   "Derek" "James" "LeeAnn"   "Derek"What activities do you underta...

Writer Ben Fenwick's selected questions and answers from the print edition's follow-up article on OKC's swingers.

 

"Derek"

"James"

"LeeAnn"

 

"Derek"
What activities do you undertake that you identify as being in "the lifestyle"?

My wife and I attend gatherings of swingers, private parties "¦  for swingers at which people meet and make connections that lead to other things off-site. My wife and I participate in sexual activities with other couples, swapping.

 

You say your lifestyle shouldn't be kept in a closet, yet you are worried about losing your job if people find out about it. What is this conflict?

Having to keep things a secret "¦ that causes you always, subconsciously in the back of your mind, there is always that nagging little doubt that you are wrong, even though I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Society tells you you should feel ashamed for what you do in this lifestyle.

 

Is Oklahoma's straight-laced, Bible-belt attitude different from other states in terms of alternative sexual lifestyles?
I can imagine that the fundamentalist religious attitude here tends to give me the impression that things might be different elsewhere, but I can't say for certain. Secular society has been moving gradually toward more accepting attitude toward alternative sexual lifestyle, TV shows about homosexual characters. If you go back in time, they wouldn't show (Lucille Ball) on TV when she was pregnant because it was immoral "¦ things have loosened up quite a bit. But we are still along way from having a true accepting society that accepts sex as affection.

 

"James" 

What are the kinds of activities that swingers do?

First off, there are oral-only; soft-swing (fondling, but no intercourse); some couples just want a single bisexual female; some are same-room, full-swap " that is, both couples have to be in the same room while activities are going on; some are full-swap but in different rooms. It varies. I don't know that any two couples have the same rules. Some won't allow kissing on the mouth. Some have full intercourse, but don't have anything oral. It varies greatly.

 

What led you to start doing this?

Early in our relationship, we were cheating on each other behind each others' backs.
My wife and I come from sexually repressed backgrounds. I was a virgin when I was 21. I was not sexually knowledgeable at all. I finally got out on my own and I started to explore my sexual nature. My wife and I were cheating on each other, but we loved each other. My wife is bisexual. We ultimately decided that if we were going to do this, we'd do it together.

 

Our main rule is you have to tell your partner before, during and after " preferably before. Before, during and after, tell. Then always use protection. Those are our rules. We are open to any experience that does not conflict with those rules.

 

Are there any pitfalls?

I'm leery about saying this, but this is a reality people need to be aware of. About eight to 10 months ago, I met a woman and she was supposed to be just a f*%k buddy. This woman became a good friend to me and my wife. Well, come to find out, she ended up getting pregnant.

In December, this woman ended up with E. coli poisoning and nearly died. She was in the hospital for about 10 days. She nearly died. She had a white blood cell count of 16. Because she wasn't able to work, she moved in with us. Currently, it's my wife and I, our two kids, and this woman. She has her own bedroom. Basically, she moved in with us so we could help her until she got better. 

 

We're having a boy and he's due in June. My wife has taken it very well. Of course, there is some animosity because my wife's tubes are tied, and I didn't want to have more than two kids. I don't want to say everything is peachy-keen, but we're all handling this very well, very adult about it. We could turn the situation very ugly, very quickly, but this child had no choice in the way it came into the world.

   

"LeeAnn"

Why is something like this, which seems to be everywhere"¦

They are, literally, everywhere. Why won't we talk about it? We are working people. When you say you are in the lifestyle " we don't call it swinging, either " even your best friends can turn up their nose and think you are having sex with anybody. That's not smart and that's not happening. We don't talk about it and we protect our anonymity.

We have schoolteachers, policemen, nurses " people who don't want it known in their day-to-day lives what they do on Saturday night, because people don't understand.

 

First "Swingers" article

April 18 follow-up article

 
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