Reviewer's Grade: C-

Here's something quaint: an American remake of an Asian horror movie. Oh, it's been done? Then let's make it different from the original by taking everything that was scary "” you know, the stuff that makes it worthy of being remade "” and throw it all out, substituting a feel-good ending and inserting a bunch of plot points that don't make sense and are then contradicted in Act 3.

We can cast Jessica Alba ("Fantastic Four") as a blind concert violinist who, when she receives a cornea transplant, sees ghosts and has visions of things that don't make sense. She can have one of those scenes she's become so good at now, where she almost gets naked, but doesn't. Parker Posey ("Broken English") can play her older sister. She won't have much to do, but her presence will drive the reviewers nuts when they try to figure out why she accepted the role. It's all coming together now.

We'll get a PG-13 rating so the kids can see it without sneaking in. Some smart-ass reviewer will give it a grade of C-, the bastard, but we'll cry all the way to the bank. Hey, has anyone done a remake of "Astro Boy" yet? PG-13

"”Doug Bentin