ARIES (March 21-April 19): 

To the thug who stole my Chevy Malibu from its parking place while I was recording an album in San Francisco back in 1991: I forgive you. To the lovely and talented Artemisia, who couldn't bring herself to fall in love with me as we partied at the Burning Man festival back in 2001: I forgive you.

To the agent who helped my writing career so much but also cheated me out of thousands of dollars: I forgive you. To any Aries readers who hate it when I refer to my personal life in their horoscopes, and would much rather I confine myself to talking about them: I forgive you, and recommend that you engage in a more thorough and profound version of the cleansing I just illustrated.

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