Chicken-Fried News: Satanist scribbles 

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A Satanist, who is perhaps a user of cornstarch (who isn’t?), sparked an hourlong lockdown at our state Capitol last week.

Grooming preferences aside, Warr Acres resident Adam Daniels stopped by the Capitol to hand-deliver 100 letters to legislators and the governor, NewsOK.com reported. His note complained about House Bill 1125, authored by Republican Rep. Todd Russ from Cordell, which would halt all marriage licenses in our state. Why halt them? Because Russ doesn’t want court clerks to feel uncomfortable when issuing legally mandated marriage licenses to non-straight couples, NewsOK reported.

Instead, LGBT couples could get common-law marriage certificates from clergy. And by clergy, Russ means non-Satanic groups. It’s not like our lawmakers ever propose or pass anything that could violate essential rights of the First or Fourteenth Amendments.

Oh, wait.

We’re guessing folks are a bit leery of Davis since he led a black mass (to 42 people) here in September.

Maybe what also made our fearless lawmakers and their staffs tremble was his black clerical robe or the fact that he’s a Satanist. Not that it should matter. Anyway, as they opened his notes, someone became nervous about the possibility of white powder inside the envelopes.

After all, it has been a good 14 years since our nation has had a legitimate, full-blown anthrax panic. It only makes sense that a new terror threat would be personally hand-delivered by a ginger-haired white Okie in a clerical robe.

You can’t blame people at the Capitol for their hunger for action and drama. It’s not like the Legislative session just started or anything. Frisbee golf is so 2010. And the Snackeez Snack Cup craze died around Christmas.

Alas, it appears Davis was merely performing his civic duty by standing up for what he believes in. No white powder was discovered. (Though that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the least-smelly feet in the joint. He probably also makes fantastic biscuits and gravy. Not that any of that is relevant.)

We’re just grateful he didn’t deliver the envelopes while wearing a fleece hoodie.

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