Oklahoma doctor warns about the H1N1 flu 

There have yet to be any reported cases of the H1N1, or swine flu, in Oklahoma at press time. But, we're not taking any chances. We've already moved all Chicken-Fried News production to our bunker in an undisclosed location, the Mother of All Basements (actually, the mother of our intern Bucky's basement), three years supply of pork 'n beans standing at the ready.

With roughly 1,000 cases worldwide and outbreaks in more than 30 states, it's only a matter of time until the hogs come for us. We always thought it'd be Africanized bees or fire ants that would enslave us humans and force us to toil in the underground mushroom mines, but we were wrong. Dead wrong (read that in an ominous voice " it helps with the terror).

Reacting to the spread of swine flu, the World Health Organization (WHO, who?) raised the alert level to 5. They dodged our questions of what 5 stood for, but secret memos we obtained list level 5 as "NOOOOOO!!! We're too young to die! We never had the chance to tell Sheila we loved her! Sheila! Sheila!"

Unfortunately, Dr. Chris Hayes, a medicine man at the Integris Family Physicians Clinic, is being reasonable and calm. The good doc spoke with KWTV last week and said, "We need to take a step back and realize this flu is really unlike any flu we've seen."

While this flu strain has crossed over from swine to humans, he said "it still mimics regular influenza, which is what humans get really every year."

Yes, but does this insidious swine flu make all infected try to befriend rats and spiders and give them a desire to win a blue ribbon at a local fair?

With the new plague upon us, we've compiled a list of dos and don'ts.

First: Those surgical masks you see people wearing? Not enough. We suggest either a gas mask, a suit of armor (because, as everyone knows, suits of armor make you impervious to hogs) or duct tape on every orifice. Second: We know it's tempting, but everyone needs to lay off the hog make-out sessions. Third: We've heard rumors that if you suspect someone is infected, just oink at them. If they oink back, you may be in danger.

And finally: Stay calm and try to think rationally. Thankfully, we have media outlets that would never blow things out of proportion for the sake of ratings.

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