PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): 

For a few dollars a month, you can have a computer's synthesized voice utter a prayer for you three times a day. Informationageprayer.com promises to contact the Creator with incantations designed just for you. On the other hand, there's a prayer warrior on my staff who will pray for you at no cost. Her name's Grandma Betty, and I can personally attest to her skill and devotion. Send your requests to her in care of me at P.O. Box 150628, San Rafael, CA 94915.

(There's no catch. I won't use or sell your address. Sorry, no emails.)

In the meantime, I'm also going to be sending a series of rowdy solicitations on your behalf to the Divine Wow. Here's the gist of what I'll say: Please assist my Piscean readers in finding out exactly what they need to do to promote their financial stability.

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