SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): 

Amazingly enough, the good deeds you do in the next 21 days could alone qualify you for a permanent exemption from hell. It seems God has cooked up some imminent tests that will give you a chance to garner some ridiculously sublime karma.

What's that you say? You don't believe in either God or hell? Well then, interpret the opportunity this way: The good deeds you perform in the coming three weeks could practically ensure that the sins you've committed thus far in your life will not stain the world or be passed on as IOUs to the next generation.

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