Twilight Vamps / Bikini Frankenstein / Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros 

Surely, "Twilight Vamps" calls itself that to piggyback the "Twilight" franchise, although what those kids do in those films is waaaaay different than what the people do in this one. Let's just say the "Contains Nudity and Sexual Situations" label on the box is an understatement.

The story is as thin as the G-strings on the actresses: Women dancing at a strip club are really vampires. After sex, they bite. Men's bodies turn up with puncture marks in their necks, and it takes the authorities quite a while to put two and two together.

Speaking of, various couplings ensue, one right after the other, at roughly five minutes per, just barely staying on the side of the line that qualifies this as "Skinemax" fare. It has the gall to say it's based on "the classic poem by Edgar Allan Poe," but declines to say which one. He never wrote one whose title contained "Twilight," "Vamps" or, for that matter, "Simulated Sex."

By comparison, at least one can't fault "Bikini Frankenstein" for saying it's based on Mary Shelley's novel, because the core idea of "man creates monster" is indeed there. The difference? This monster humps. (Yet, in these movies, who doesn't?)

Here, Dr. Frankenstein (Frankie Cullen) creates Eve (Jayden Cole), who is bisexual, naturally, and disrobes at the drop of a metaphor. For my money, John Hughes' "Weird Science" gender-tweaked the tale far better.

Finally, there's "Bikini Jones and The Temple of Eros," in which the titular adventurer (Christine Nguyen) to retrieve a stolen idol "¦ at least when she and the rest of the cast aren't busy getting busy. It's the most ambitious of the bunch, if only because, with about 20 minutes left, a poorly animated dinosaur appears.

The flicks share most of the same casts, sets and beds. Perhaps they were even made the same day. Of the participants, Brandin Rackley and Rebecca Love make the biggest impression, if simply for not being surgically enhanced.

All three films are from longtime B-movie giant Fred Olen Ray, operating under his Nick Medina pseudonym. The best thing I can say about his work here is that he does a good job with the credits sequence of "Vamps." The movies masquerade as comedies, but really, they're more goofy than actually funny. If you can watch more than a few minutes and not feel bored or numbed, perhaps you're the target market. But I'm no longer 16. —?Rod Lott

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Rod Lott

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