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I’m worried about your ability to sneak and fake and dissemble. These skills seem to have atrophied in you. To quote Homer Simpson, “You couldn’t fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine!” Please, Aries, jump back into the game-playing, BS-dispensing routine the rest of us are […]

It’s an excellent time to demonstrate how strong and brave and indomitable you are. I suggest you carry out some heroic feat, like lying on a bed of nails while someone puts heavy concrete blocks all over your body, then uses a sledgehammer to smash those blocks. APRIL FOOL! What I just said is only […]

According to Uncyclopedia.com, Riding the Snake is a book co-authored by Oscar Wilde and Jesus Christ in 1429 B.C. If you can find a copy, I strongly suggest you read it. You could really use some help in taming the unruly kundalini that has been whipping you around. APRIL FOOL! I lied. There is no […]

I sincerely hope that 2010 will be the year you stop worshiping Satan for good. Luckily, the coming weeks will be an excellent time to get that worthy project in gear. Despite the odd pleasures your twisted devotion to the Evil One seems to bring you, it actually undermines your ability to get what you […]

Would it be a wise idea for you to stage your own kidnapping and demand ransom money for your release? Should you appear on a reality TV show that will expose your intimate secrets to millions of viewers? Could you get your spiritual evolution back on track by joining a religious cult? APRIL FOOL! The […]

Supermodel Selita Ebanks is your role model. In accordance with the astrological omens, I recommend that you arrange for the kind of special treatment she enjoys as she’s preparing for a runway show. That means getting five stylists to work for hours every day perfecting every aspect of your physical appearance. Please make sure they […]

In a library in Warsaw, there is a 1,000+-page memoir written by my great-great-great-great grandfather, Leon Dembowski, a close advisor to the last king of Poland. Someday I’ll make a pilgrimage over there, photocopy that family heirloom, bring it back to America, and have it translated into English. The task I envision for you in […]

It’s my opinion that everyone has a duty to periodically check in with themselves to make sure they still are who they say they are. Over time, there’s a tendency for all of us to fall into the habit of believing our own hype. We get entranced by the persona we project. We’re tempted to […]

Most of the time, life does not talk to you, writes Robert T. Kiyosaki in his book Rich Dad, Poor Dad. “It just sort of pushes you around. Each push is life saying, ‘Wake up. There’s something I want you to learn.’” Different people respond in different ways, Kiyosaki says. “Some just let life push […]

NASA scientist Richard Gross believes that the recent 8.8 earthquake in Chile was so strong that it shifted the planet’s axis and shortened the length of the day. The amounts were relatively small — three inches and 1.26 microseconds — but it was enough to make “the Earth ring like a bell.” I predict a […]