The 1980 box-office bomb takes place on an experimental research station on a moon of the title’s ringed planet. For three years, scientist Adam (ol’ butt-chinned Kirk Douglas) has worked there to solve Earth’s hunger problem hydroponically, alongside Alex (Farrah Fawcett, The Cannonball Run), his much younger partner — in the lab and the space-disco […]
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Caesar and Otto’s Deadly Xmas
Caesar (Dave Campfield, also the writer/director/producer/editor) is an anal-retentive wannabe actor who lives with his slob of a half-brother, Otto (Paul Chomicki), a guy still bearing a torch for a girl from school. She sells used shaving cream — a line that sums up everything that is wrong about this movie. In order to impress […]
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Short Term 12
Although she has been acting since the age of 8, Brie Larson only started to become “a thing” in 2009, as the daughter of Toni Collette’s dissociative-identity housewife on the Showtime series United States of Tara. For all three seasons, the 20-something Larson stood out by playing sassy, brassy and smug. She was so good […]
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Clear History
Clear History sure is, if more amusing than actually funny. Its intermittent focus is by nature of a purposely skeletal script to allow a wide berth for Curb-style improv; the feature length just magnifies those inherent faults. In 2003, marketing exec Nathan Flomm (David, sporting a downright biblical beard) gives up his 10-percent stake in […]
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Body Bags / Assault on Precinct 13
The opener is the best of the bunch, documenting the first — and quite possibly the last — night shift worked by a pretty young college student (Alex Datcher, Passenger 57) at a gas station. She sits locked in the cashier’s booth as a serial killer lurks close. The suspense gets to her as much as […]
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Samson & Delilah
Not much happens in the movie, at least initially, which I suppose is entirely the point. When he’s not huffing gasoline, teenage Samson (Rowan McNamara) ambles about his surroundings — empty fridge, dirty water, hard floors, merciless sun — and listens to music and screws around in a wheelchair. Meanwhile, his sorta-kinda girlfriend, Delilah (Marissa […]
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Breaking the Girls
Also drawing upon Single White Female and director Jamie Babbit’s own The Quiet, this frigid thriller stars Agnes Bruckner (now the poor man’s Abbie Cornish, after starring in Lifetime’s recent Anna Nicole Smith biopic) as Sara, a struggling college student by day and bartender by night. When she loses the gig of the latter, it […]
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The Eyes of Charles Sand
Why not both? As his aunt (Joan Bennett, TV’s Dark Shadows) informs Charles, now that he is the sole surviving son of the Sands, he and he only possesses powers of ESP, and with great power comes great responsibility — not to mention pesky, spooky visions of milky-eyed, heavily wrinkled corpses appearing wherever he goes. […]
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12 Years a Slave
The film’s discomforting imagery is depicted with shrewd precision and unflinching directness, both pivotal to the potency of the film. But McQueen also proves himself to be a uniquely accomplished storyteller, and the story here is extraordinary. Based on Solomon Northup’s 1853 autobiography of the same name, 12 Years follows a free black man’s sudden […]
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Black Devil Doll from Hell / Tales from the Quadead Zone
Who’s Chester Novell Turner? He’s a correspondence-course filmmaker who shot two homemade horror opuses at the height of the home-video revolution: 1984’s Black Devil Doll from Hell and 1987’s Tales from the Quadead Zone. Until recently, these ultra-rare, ultra-obscure titles fetched hundreds of dollars on eBay. I might feel sorry for the poor bastards who […]