Archives – Real Astrology

Your key word for the week is “fulcrum.” It’s derived from a Latin verb meaning “to prop up, support,” and its definitions include the following: 1. the stable point on which a lever pivots; 2. the crux of a percussionist’s grip as he or she holds a drumstick; 3. an agent through which vital powers […]

It would be a good week for you to perfect your ability to crow like a rooster, Aries. I also recommend that you practice your skill at leaping out of bed in the morning fully refreshed, with your imagination primed and ready to immediately begin making creative moves. Other suggested exercises: being on the alert […]

Supermodel Selita Ebanks is your role model. In accordance with the astrological omens, I recommend that you arrange for the kind of special treatment she enjoys as she’s preparing for a runway show. That means getting five stylists to work for hours every day perfecting every aspect of your physical appearance. Please make sure they […]

It’s an excellent time to demonstrate how strong and brave and indomitable you are. I suggest you carry out some heroic feat, like lying on a bed of nails while someone puts heavy concrete blocks all over your body, then uses a sledgehammer to smash those blocks. APRIL FOOL! What I just said is only […]

As I studied your astrological data, a curious vision popped into my mind’s eye. I saw a scene of a perky possum in a superhero costume giving you a tray of red jello covered with marshmallows, gumdrops, and chocolate kisses. And I knew immediately that it was a prime metaphor for your destiny right now. […]

According to Uncyclopedia.com, Riding the Snake is a book co-authored by Oscar Wilde and Jesus Christ in 1429 B.C. If you can find a copy, I strongly suggest you read it. You could really use some help in taming the unruly kundalini that has been whipping you around. APRIL FOOL! I lied. There is no […]

You’ll probably dream of falling off a cliff, or plunging out of a hot-air balloon, or skydiving without a parachute. I’m very disappointed in your unconscious mind’s decision to expose yourself to such unpleasant experiences, even if they are pretend. APRIL FOOL! I told you a half-truth. While it is likely that you will dream […]

I sincerely hope that 2010 will be the year you stop worshiping Satan for good. Luckily, the coming weeks will be an excellent time to get that worthy project in gear. Despite the odd pleasures your twisted devotion to the Evil One seems to bring you, it actually undermines your ability to get what you […]

Would it be a wise idea for you to stage your own kidnapping and demand ransom money for your release? Should you appear on a reality TV show that will expose your intimate secrets to millions of viewers? Could you get your spiritual evolution back on track by joining a religious cult? APRIL FOOL! The […]

On the Ghost Hunters TV program, paranormal researchers investigate places that are thought to be haunted by supernatural entities. One commercial for the show urges us, the viewers, to “Get fluent in fear!” That exhortation happens to be perfect advice for you, Gemini. APRIL FOOL! I lied. This is not at all a good time […]