Archives – Real Astrology

You would stir up some good fortune for yourself if you brought meals to shut-ins or gave a little presentation at an old folks’ home or donated your old laptop to a low-income family. Oddly enough, it’s also an excellent time for you to scratch and claw for a bigger market share, or to get […]

Whatever shines should be observed, said 19th-century astronomer William Herschel, discoverer of the planet Uranus. He was referring to his specialty, heavenly bodies, but I’d like to expand the meaning for your use. According to my analysis, it has become very important for you to notice, observe, and think about anything that shines. Doing so […]

I wish you could aim tachyon particles through an inverted positronic array while simultaneously modulating synaptical relays through an anti-matter torque-buffer. This would bend the space-time continuum back to a point before your recent detour began. Then, armed with knowledge of the future, you’d be able to navigate your way more elegantly through the crazy […]

You are the lord of all you survey! I swear to God! I’m almost tempted to say that you now have the power to command whirlwinds and alter the course of mighty rivers! At the very least you will be able to mobilize the ambition of everyone you encounter and brighten the future of every […]

Congrats on your growing ability to do more floating and less thrashing as you cascade down the stream of consciousness. I think you’re finally understanding that a little bit of chaos isn’t a sign that everything’s falling apart forever omigod the entire planet’s crashing and evil is in ascension . . . but rather that […]

This horoscope borrows from one of my favorite Sagittarian visionaries, Jonathan Zap. The advice he gives below, which is in accordance with your astrological omens, is designed to help you avoid the fate he warns against. Here it is: “Many of the significant problems in our lives are more about recognizing the obvious rather than […]

I hope that you saw the horoscope I wrote for you last week. And I hope that you acted on my advice and refrained from all sweating and striving and struggling. These past seven days were designed by the universe to be a time for you to recharge your psychic battery. Assuming that you took […]

It’s time for you to fly away — to flee the safe pleasures that comfort you as well as the outmoded fixations that haunt you; to escape at least one of the galling compromises that twists your spirit as well as a familiar groove that numbs your intelligence. In my astrological opinion, Gemini, you need […]

In the coming week, I predict that you will NOT experience disgusting fascinations, smiling-faced failures, sensationalized accounts of useless developments, or bizarre fantasies in the middle of the night. You may, on the other hand, have encounters with uplifting disappointments, incendiary offers of assistance, mysterious declarations of interdependence, and uproars that provoke your awe and […]

My theory is that right now the whole world is in love with you. In some places, this simmering adoration is bordering on infatuation. Creatures great and small are more apt than usual to recognize what’s beautiful and original about you. As a result, wonders and marvels are likely to coalesce in your vicinity. Is […]